Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
