life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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