turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
