When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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