I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
