When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
