After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
