God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
