The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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