You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
