I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
