In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
