I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
