Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
