Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
