Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
