the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
