This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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