I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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