I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
now i know why i became what i already was.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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