I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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