and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
