nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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