I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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