I am in a vortex of obligation.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
