I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
