Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
