I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
