You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
