hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
