Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
