i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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