my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
