is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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