He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
