Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
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Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
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ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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