My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
