Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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