Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
