i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
