Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
