I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
