Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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