i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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