Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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