We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
