so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
