Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
