I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
