He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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