just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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