He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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