I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's always time for handjobs
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
