this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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