Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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