you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
